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SongFight Mix
Latest Mix (lyrical improvements)

About The Song

The Fight: Winner out of 30 Entries

My experimentation with "chamber folk". This is the first song I ever wrote where the lyrics were written before the music. When I was brainstorming the title, the brainstorm was shaping up to be a poem so I kept going with it. I picked up a guitar, found a quick riff for the intro, hit record, and started cramming phrases into music. I didn't need to make many changes to the poem for the lyrics.

Most of the criticisms are about the strangeness of the lyrical phrases. I can definitely see this, since it was written backwards. I really like the flow that it creates, though, so I made some changes to the problem areas in the new mix.

From a recording standpoint, I started with a guitar, and added a mandolin part in the right channel. Then I added a swelling electric guitar in the left. The original mix was just this, but then I decided to add a cello ensemble to the middle part. Then I decided a piano would sound nice. Oh, and a vibrophone at the end. Then I cut myself off before it got too crazy. :)

Reviews

Bortwein:

Review Version2: Although I still like the sound of the song, a few things in the lyrics I just don't seem to like. Example: about the moon. "moving from a crescent to a slightly larger crescent" sounds really odd to me. Maybe try "moving from a crescent to a half moon." but that just an idea. 2nd Example: Singing Style of "All alone on her bench..." it just doesn't sound as nice as the rest of the vocals. Kind of strained. The song is really good, and I hope you understand my odd concerns about those 2 parts.

DanH:

this song has an awesome feel. i think it could benefit from adding a chorus that gets out of that laid back curious feel to something more straightforward.

Eddiebangs:

I think it's great, and I disagree with bortwein- leave the lyrics alone. Lines like that give the song a distinct charm. That's all I have to say for now, cause I am also entering this fight, and after all, it IS songFIGHT. (lol) good luck & nice job!

Sam Douglass:

Good song, nice arrangement with the blend of background instruments. The vocals are nice and have "enthusiasm" I guess, though some places to me they feel a little melodramatic and affected. Of course, lots of pop/rock/etc. music vocals seem that way to me, so it's probably just me.

Azwel:

a little good quality sounding for a 'rough draft' eh?

ajryan:

reminds me of morphine's "in spite of me" but more hi-fi in a way. really lush, nice texture touches, love the synth swells. the lyrics feel forced to me, sure, bortwein, "bird-faced clown who always frowns," &c are non-sequitor, and sure, eddiebangs, they do lend an idiosyncratic charm, but i think the quirks could be slipped in more deftly. basically i guess it forces the phrasing. my guess is that the words were written first. i think the song would benefit from a lyric rewrite to tighten things up.

JBB:

Very pretty. I wish I could play like that. But dammit, I want a chorus. Or a verse that sounds chorusey. Feels like you are too enamored of these words, so you put them all in the song and didn't make them *fit* in the song. Makes the overall effect something less than lyrical for me. :-/

Pun:

kind of eddie vedderish..... great sound.

Futureboy:

Look, mommy, a pretty guitar! The song is too coffee shop, though. Wonderful production, as usual. Cosmic alarm clock? Hmm, yes, some possible lyrical atrocities going on here.

Abecedarian:

Pretty mix, pretty lyrics. Some awkwardness in places like ~:43. Gorgeous at 1:00. Absolutely beautiful in places.

Dan the Apathetic:

very perty... i mean pretty. mr. duckington refuses to comment.

Erk Erk:

Could use better hooks.

Bortwein (2):

Really nice song. I like how it has evolved since your first draft of the song. I think this could be a possible vote for me this week.

Jim of Seattle:

Pretty, pretty, pretty. You get much girl for song like this, yes? Seriously, I liked this a whole lot the first time I heard it, then the second and third times it didnt wear so well. I really enjoy the rambling style of the lyrics, and you have a melodic gift for pulling off these long phrases. Its way harder to do than you make it sound. I think the reason its not in the Winners Circle is that there is a teaspoon more cliché musically than I care for.

Eddiebangs (2):

Very Nice. Smooth yet slightly moody. Lyrics were a bit too "rambly" (if that's even a word) Very pleasant & well done. A-

Lightning-Ear-Fart:

Impressive. It sounds great, but it's a little too pussy for me.

Yaruss:

My ears immediately perk up to a beautiful, open-sounding recording. Nice instrumentation. Really nice. Nothing ground-breaking here. Just a pretty song, well-performed, well-recorded. Thank you for soothing my grumpy-ass soul.

Hujhax:

As usual, I am 0wnz0r3d on production and guitar. The intro is just gorgeous. I can quibble with some lyrics though. Some words (e. g. "moMENT") get misaccented, and -- hmm, don't take this wrong -- I think sometimes your figures of speech work against you a bit. For example, the description of the girl on the park bench is wonderful, clear, specific, but then a line like "moon shower the concrete" comes in, and... it yanks me out of the song, and it doesn't really make me see the whole moonlight-on-concrete thing in a new way. Anyway, obviously this is up to individual taste, so take it with the usual-sized grain of salt. For this particular song, I'd sum up my advice as 'if a metaphor isn't clearly helping your audience understand you, kill it.' (The metaphor, not your audience.) I like the key change at ~1:47 -- I was ready for something new just then. I like the way the song sort of peters out -- I mean that in a good way.

The UnDesirable:

Nice production

Heuristics, Inc.:

oh, wow, nice sound. beauty. it kind of sounds like something i've heard before. but it sounds so good.

Kingfresh:

Best production of the lot. Sounds professionally done. Nice pickin'.

The Sober Irishman:

Bastard with your nice guitar and your guitar skills. Try putting a little bit more body to the vocals. Man, this is good. I predict that you and Brother Machine will be the first fellas here to get signed. Please don't take offense to that. Excellent track.

Johnny Cashpoint:

Very lovely, you really do have your sound worked out to a fine tee. That MOR-ish sound is not to my personal taste, but it could be from a Toad The Wet Sprocket album or something, which I mean as a compliment

Vinyl Boy:

There's this terrible Flash game out there called Friends Always Stick Together, which you can play here. Sometimes when I hear an acoustic tune, all I can think of is the music that plays during that game, so I can just picture that friggin' rabbit and the turtle. It's the gayest game you've ever seen, but it's addicting. Anyway, this is one of those times.